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Quarry Merch Review


Quarry Merch Hot Guys
Quarry Merch Hot Guys

Attention all. Quarry has some new merch. After scrapping the bizarre initial merch plans that just said ‘Akira Kurosawa’ in the Metallica font, they’ve gone for something a little more tasteful. It’s a t-shirt and a tote bag that says ‘Quarry’! Probably the best thing it could say in my opinion, but more on that later. I’m now going to breeze through a quick review of the new merch, and please, if it sounds to your taste, buy one, for the love of god.


Up first, the t-shirts. The t-shirts come in black and white, black and green, and white and red. If you want a peek, you can see them being modelled on the Quarry instagram page by the three most handsome men that have ever lived. 


More good news! The t-shirts are no longer made from elephant hide. This gets rid of a lot of the leathery-ness of the Kurosawa range and substitutes it for a lovely, cotton effect. Unlike most t-shirts, this means it won’t make you break out in a rash. It actually feels quite nice, rather than thick and pointy, like all other t-shirts. The barbed wire shoulder pads are also gone and replaced with just more t-shirt.


These changes are all well and good, but let's just quickly check that the main issue with the last batch has been resolved. Yep! Just checked, and it has. No more blood! A lot of the complaints last time were that the t-shirts didn’t necessarily come with blood stains on them, but over time did appear to bleed. A frank discussion of the sentience of the shirts was discussed, but thankfully, I won my lawsuit against a major coffee brand in which I’d lied that they’d put poison in my mocha, so I used the money I’d won to pay off people making the accusations. No problem anyway though, because NO MORE BLOOD.



They come with many gadgets. The obvious one is looking cool. Apparently, according to statistics, people who wear Quarry merch get laid way more. Weird, I know, but it also makes complete sense. I’ve had eight girlfriends since I purchased mine, and they were all really hot too. The other main gadget is the ejector seat.


The tote bags are also awesome. Each one is a bespoke design for the client. Fortunately, everyone in the world has the exact same tote bag needs, so they are all identical and can be mass produced. They are a nice, snug fit over the shoulder, and each one is also adorned with the Quarry logo. Unlike all other tote bag brands, who support fox hunting and think girls wear too much makeup, Quarry’s tote bags are pretty rad, and don’t have a strict ideological standpoint, as they are bags (and no longer sentient, after the re-brand) but Quarry, the people selling them, do have opinions, and trust me, they’re really great. 


You’re just gonna have to trust me on this guys, these t-shirts and tote bags are the fucking finest I’ve ever seen. Wearing them makes you feel like a fucking gangster. They go with everything, they smell amazing all the time, and they’re not made of elephant (anymore). 


If you’d like one you can buy them on the website or in the venue. And please, if you have any questions, just ask Aidan Shard on the bar. He will happily model the t-shirts, tote bags, or just any other clothes you want to bring that you think he’d look funny in.

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